So there is another website that I do with a cat on the logo. The cat was taken from a photo of my own cat, creatively named Tom. Sadly Tom passed away a couple of years a go, having moved himself into my house 13 years prior. I never knew where he came from, he was rather a gentleman by nature but would occasional regress back into a mischievous kitten. Back in 2012 I went through a phase on Facebook of creating an assumed life for me and Tom Cat. It was a bit of fun and something to make the neighbours think I was mad and thus keep them away. Now that I am slowly extracting myself from social media I felt I ought to port those posts over to my blog. So here they are.
We are sad to report that ||||| (the cat artist formerly known as Tom) and DCHerath, the founders of the ‘text art’ movement have split. The pair cite artistic differences as the cause of the sudden separation. Commentators have speculated the collaboration was in trouble since the movement was founded (about lunchtime today). Unidentified sources have stated that |||||’s hardcore drug addiction to catnip as the real reason the two have decided to go their own ways. Since |||||’s ‘cat paws on white linen’ – described by one critic as ‘lovely’, the pair have not produced any new pieces.
There are emerging reports tonight that ||||| (the cat artist formerly known asTom) has checked into springvale veterinary clinic. The exclusive rehab clinic that has served celebrity cliental such as Roland Rat and Danger Mouse. Whilst |||||’s communication manager declined to comment, several sources have sighted the Maserati, ||||| uses to travel in, parked in a near by street to the clinic. Prior to his separation from his artist collaborator DCHerath, friends and acquaintances have commented that ||||| has been spiralling into a drug fuelled abyss, this reporter has obtained an exclusive picture from a party at |||||’s Chilterns mansion last month, that clearly shows him ‘catatonic’ following a drugs binge. Tonight both the clinic and his ex-collaborator declined to comment on the rumours
‘Ready to Rumble’
Just like Ant and Dec, the dynamic duo of IIIII (the cat artist formerly known as Tom) and DC Herath are getting ready to rumble, if the rumours circulating the media world tonight are to be believed. IIIII, who recently checked out of the exclusive Spring Vale rehab clinic and his ex collaborator on the ‘text art’ movement have been spotted in intense negotiations. It is believed that tonight DC Herath, on returning from a ‘fact finding’ trip to Turkey is staying at IIIII’s Chilterns mansion. Speculation became intense when IIIII’s media manger failed to refute the rumours and added fuel to the flames by stating ‘an announcement will be made soon’. Key individuals in the art world have speculated that the duo were left seriously in debt after the collapse of their art movement, with IIIII rumoured to have spent £50,000 on a catnip based advertising campaign. Others have commented that the duo are cynically trying to cash in on the success of the film ‘the life of Pi’ – a fictional story about the collaboration between a man and his feline companion to overcome adversity. Whoever is right, based on their past ventures, if a new one is on the horizon it is already hotly anticipated by the media press.
All the speculation about a new collaboration between IIIII ( the cat artist formerly known as Tom) and DC Herath was confirmed today. The announcement came at a hastily put together press conference today, attended by several media journalists and 4 hedgehogs that live in the grounds of IIIII’s Chilterns mansion. The new venture is so far removed from their previous disastrous foray into the art world, this time they are planning to replicate Felix Baumgartner’s sky dive last year, with IIIII doing the jump, potentially setting a multitude of records for feline kind. In what appeared to be plans written on the back of an envelope, DC Herath took the audience through their audacious plan, stating in a somber tone that the idea was not without mortal risk to IIIII, this seem to come as a surprise to IIIII, though DC Herath seemed to placate him and was heard to whisper ‘it’s all part of the show don’t worry, I’ll explain later’ to IIIII.
This bold plan came as a surprise to the ensemble and no date has been set for the jump. Leo Bush a Dachshund and a neighbour of IIIII, who also witnessed the press conference commented ‘ya the pair are idiots, I fear very much that they’ll end up declaring war on North Korea or something, it has never helped the house prices here since the pair moved in’. The duo’s media manager said more details will be revealed soon. Some of the gloss of their announcement was lost as the end of the media meeting was disrupted by several field mice, demonstrating about the need for an independent inquiry into missing mice, something they claim has only occurred since IIIII moved into the area, some were carrying placards stating ‘where’s my father?’, ‘what happened to the church family?’ With others being more blunt and carrying banners simply saying ‘murderer!’. The mice were hastily removed by bodyguards of the duo ( two retired racing ferrets) with their manager stating simply ‘times have been hard and they like all little people need someone to blame, our sympathies go out to families that have lost loved ones’. The duo are definitely back in the centre of controversy and intrigue.
Silence had prevailed since IIIII (the cat artist formerly known as Tom) and DC Herath had announced their audacious plan to break the world record for the highest altitude sky jump for a cat, however events tonight broke that silence with the duo making their first attempt at the jump. However the attempt ended in disaster with fire engines from three counties being called to a fire on IIIII’s Chilterns estate. onlookers who had privileged tickets to view the attempt recalled a sudden flash as the rockets strapped to IIIII’s back ignited and catapulted into the air, leaving IIIII behind, wonderment at the sight of the two rockets lifting into the blue of the twilight sky were soon turned into panic as they realised they had turned on a trajectory back to earth! Arnold Bluntright (a father of three) described the final moments of terror ‘I was like there laughing with the family, then all of a sudden it was like coming back at us, the young’uns screamed, we ran, we just heard a big bang like, it was like nothing I heard before, it just blew us off our feet’. other hedgehog witnesses retold a similar story. Leo Bush, a Dachshund and neighbour of IIIII, who witnessed the whole event from his vantage point overlooking the rear of IIIII’s estate (through stifled laughter) commented ‘Ya it waz funny, I toldz you they werez idiots, they blew the whole garden apart, there was animals running everywhere, ya they should be shot, look at the fire’. The Fire Mr Bush referred to was IIIII’s shed that ignited after having been struck by the rockets. Tonight no one representing the duo were available for comment. It is likely a press release will be available tomorrow.
‘A New Collar’
This is the moment that IIIII (the cat artist formerly known as Tom) and DCHerath were told that they were to be arrested both by the government’s counter terrorism unit – for import of banned firearms and Thames Valley Police – for disturbing the peace. A hastily created press conference moments ago had representatives for the pair stating that ‘a misunderstanding had occurred which would quickly be resolved’. The pair themselves were unavailable for comment and left with postponing a key announcement. This is just the most recent controversy for the duo, who have been plagued over recent months with setbacks, though expert commentators have stated that their most recent collaboration was always doomed to end in failure. PR representatives (normally called their mothers) for One Direction (a popular pop band) stated they were disappointed that IIIII’s soiree (they were due to attend tonight) was cancelled but hoped their furry friend would be back on form soon but this allowed them a chance to clean their rooms, something their PR representatives had been asking them to do for some time.
Breaking News – There are rumours tonight that DC Herath and ||||| (the cat formerly known as Tom) have been admitted to hospital having ingested home made Semtex. The duo apparently were planning their come back having disappeared from the celebrity limelight faster than Cheryl Cole. They had been planning an expansion into the lucrative celebrity cooking arena, with their ‘elemental cooking’ movement, literally creating recipes with elements of the periodic table. Despite early setbacks, such as going purple having ingested too much Silver, the duo had pressed on over the last few months with their audacious comeback plans. Tonight it emerges that a complex recipe involving carbon, hydrogen and nitrogen (amongst other elements) had unknown to the duo, had created Semtex, which they duly ingested in ignorance. They are currently having their stomachs pumped (carefully) in a London teaching hospital. It has also emerged that the government task force in terrorist prevention has taken an interest in the hapless duo.
‘Bald to be Safe’
Breaking News – There are growing concerns this afternoon to the mental stability of DC Herath and ||||| (the cat formerly known as Tom). Having been discharged from hospital late last night after their home made Semtex ingestion incident, the duo had tried to relax after their misadventure watching a DVD box set of the cult films of the OMEN, in doing so they have appeared to scare themselves witless and fallen over a mental precipice. In a hastily gathered press conference this afternoon they launched their ‘Bald to be Safe’ campaign to create legislation that any UK public or media official must have a bald head, to ensure they do not have the number of the beast 666 scarred on their skin. To a stunned and horrified audience, they began to explain their vision. At times their speech was incoherent and the duo regularly had to stop to have drool wiped away from their lips. They believe that the beast is among us now and the only way to stop an apocalyptic scenario (in their eyes) is to shave the heads of as many people as possible. They even went on to suggest that they suspected Simon Cowell, Jeremy Hunt, Paul Dacre or possibly Rupert Murdoch of being the beast. They were dragged off the stage by their press officer Miss Fanny Mounds on launching into a narrative that contained terms such as ‘the final solution’. A poisons expert from Guy’s Hospital stated that it was hard to determine the impact eating Semtex would have on the human body, but was reassured that the duo would not suffer any cognitive deficit saying’ you have to be extremely dumb to eat Semtex in the first place’. Number 10 had no comment on the duo’s campaign, however the initiative has found support from David Icke, who said he was ‘gob smacked that now one [sic] had thought of this sooner’. The duo’s press officer closed the media briefing stating that ‘this idea has been put forward to grow the hairdressing industry which has suffered badly due to the economic recession and the duo should be applauded for their efforts to try and get the country back on its feet’. It is believed the duo have been sectioned this evening under the mental health act and admitted to the Maudsley hospital.
Breaking News – IIII (The cat formerly know as Tom) missing having fallen overboard off his luxury yacht!
Tonight there was growing concern for the safety of IIII (the cat artist formerly known as Tom) as reports emerged that he was missing off his luxury yacht, presumed having fallen overboard. IIII was taking in some new year sun in the Caribbean, having hired out the whole of Ian Fleming’s Goldeneye estate in Oracabessa, Jamaica with his business partner DCHerath since Christmas. The duo were due to return to their Chilterns Mansion at the end of January to start filming a new version of the American sitcom ‘Charles in Charge’, with the famous dog actor Samuel L Doghound taking the lead role of Charles. However commentators have speculated the disappearance may not be that strange based on business world gossip that the duo were heavily in debt, with the failure of projects last year such as their ‘elemental cooking’ book and the ‘Bald to be Safe’ campaign. Some commentators have even suggested that the duo always planned to fake their deaths to relieve themselves of their debts. Secret photos and intelligence obtained by this journalist show that the duo prior to their holiday were berated by their investors in a tense video conference, culminating in demands for the repayment of all invested funds in their media empire. It transpires that the duo were in financial difficulties as early as 2012 as a leaked photo shows them delving into their ‘pukka pad’ for ideas (pukka – pronounced puca being their Singhalese word for bottom). DC Herath had also vanished overboard with IIII fuelling the conspiracy theories, he was picked up earlier today having been ‘saved’ by a Japanese whaling ship after a case of mistaken identity. He refused to comment tonight but did say ‘playing twister on the deck of a yacht is ill advised’. Shortly after making this statement DC Herath had to be fished out of the sea for a second time having ‘accidentally’ fallen overboard again, on this occasion a pod of humpback whales tried to push him to shore, marine zoologists believe it may be another case of mistaken identity. Whilst the rescue services continue to comb the Caribbean sea tonight there were unconfirmed reports of a cat fitting the description of IIII doing the tango in a bar in Cancún. The media world wait in anticipation of further news and mourn that potentially a new series of Charles in Charge may never be made.
Sensational Breaking News
It’s already being called the sensation of 2015 Exactly a year since the presumed death of ||||| (The cat artist formerly known as Tom), major publishing houses are bidding for the rights to publish his memoirs, discovered in December during the filming of the new Star Wars film at Pinewood Studios. The controversial documents are set to release revelations on a global scale. It is thought only |||||’s lawyers have access currently to the red hot papers, written over decades. Minor leaks yesterday from an unknown source are sensational, with extracts suggesting that ||||| was a MI6 agent and that his long term companion and business partner DC Herath is a fake – a personality created by the duo to escape major tax bills in 1989. The real identity of DC Herath is unknown but it he may have actual been a part time actor by the name of Lawrence Sidebottom, someone that |||| was associated with when DC Herath appeared. It is hoped that the memoirs will solve other mysteries thrown up when |||||’s will was executed, such as the missing DeLorean sports car from the probate inventory. It is rumoured that the UK government is seeking an injunction to prevent the memoirs being published, there was no comment from number 10 this morning. Speaking with a long time neighbour of |||||, a daschund by the name of Leo Bush he said he would not be surprised by any of the content of the memoirs, adding ‘Ya he was an odd one that cat, strutting around his mansion, you know I did not think I vould say this but I actually miss him, it is quite around heir (sic) now that he is vamooshed’. There is no doubt today that a lot of people remain worried if the secrets in the memoirs find the light of day.
Panama papers reveal new revelations.
The launch of the searchable database yesterday has unearthed startling revelations reaching back 20years. The consortium of journalists has now provided free access to the papers through an online database. This paper discovered that Mossack Fonseca aided two high profile clients hide the creation of Nigerian Spam emails in the 90s. IIIII – the cat artist formally known as Tom who allegedly died in 2014 and his long term business partner DC Herath (revealed a year ago by this paper as the bankrupt actor/fraudster Laurence Sidebottom – not to be confused with Laurence Fishburne a real actor and not a fraudster) setup a company called News Corp and utilised a confused man with ‘frontal lobe dementi’;a medical condition that leads to irrational deranged behaviour to front it. The papers reveal that this is the same individual we know now as Rupert Murdoch. The company was used as a front to populate the world with scam emails to embezzle funds from unsuspecting young men trawling the Internet for porn. The duo hid this scam through fronting as a media organisation, commentators have said this now explains the mediocre output of the organisation’s various subsidiaries such as Fox News, the Sun and Sky, and also how they have survived this long – the papers suggest the profits of the scam subsidised News Corp companies. The duo setup several other companies to launder their ill gotten gains, duping the failed investment bank Lehman Brothers to move funds to several offshore accounts, triggering the global financial meltdown of the last decade. Further revelations are expected in the coming days but already a vocal critic of the duo in the past a Mr Leo Bush has been revealed as a partner in crime to the audacious duo. Mr Leo Bush was unavailable for comment.